day twenty // thoughts

I’m going to be honest. And raw. And real. I talk of living life fully, dreaming big, and loving fiercely. 

And I do. 

Or I try. 

But it gets very difficult. I’m a chronic worry wart. I easily get down over sin, or failure, or disappointing someone, or not being able to fix the broken souls around me, or time passing too quickly. 

I let these things consume me to the point of stealing all of my joy and even wondering if I’m really where I should be in life. I doubt and fret and make myself sick with fear. 

How do I want to be remembered when I die? 

As a courageous soul, with the integrity to live according to the characteristics of God and the laws He has set before me. 

What does that mean?

Working hard. It means evaluating even my thoughts and bringing them into subjection to the Word of God. 

I was in the midst of one of my “tragic” melt downs the other day, while riding home with Curly. Not sure exactly how to explain what I was feeling or why, I got silent and began to gaze out of the window at the passing earth. Of course Curly knew I was upset, and we’d previously hashed out all of the whys and hows that I had blamed for my foul mood. Subtly, he began listing the wonderful things in my life (very humbly, I might add). He was feeding off of the verse—

“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:8‬ ‭KJV‬‬

“It is lovely that God brought you to me and we are married, sharing a wonderful life together. It is lovely that we live in a beautiful home. It is true that we are now one person as the Word describes. It is true that we will continue to fail and grow and learn and live. It is just that you are here now. Brought here by God and set exactly where He wants. It is just that you feel the weight of actions and thoughts and the severity that accompanies that realization. It is just. . .” 

// He continued to relate the passage to parts of my life I’d rather not share here, but you get the picture. 

Think of things. Lovely, true, and just. 

Knowing the power of Christ and His salvation and where He has ME in life. These facts alone are overwhelming and beautiful. Putting all worry and doubt to shame, knowing my entire argument was a faithless, fearful heart. I looked at Curly and thanked him. I thanked him for the kind of leader he is and the way he mirrors such a Christ-like love to me. I thanked him for giving me perspective and reminding me that life is bigger then the thoughts I formulate inside my own intellect. 

This is a hard concept though. 

Captivating each thought. Realizing our minds should be in subjection to God as well as our actions. Pondering things which are not true or holy or right, is, well, wrong. 

You see, I have a specific way I have learned to put thoughts down, things that are haunting my brain. 

I write them. 

Afterwards I leave them there and months later I revisit them to evaluate my growth. The problem is, I occasionally deny the commandment to keep my thoughts captive, instead I use my journal as an uncensored escape. Writing is a big part of my life. I’m not profound or exquisite, but it’s something that helps me clear my mind. Sort of like a crutch. I’m not saying I’m going to stop writing my thoughts, but I can no longer be ignorant of the fact that even if they are secret personal thoughts, it is my responsibility to retrain my mind, aligning it with the scriptures. 

So, my goal is to use the moments that overwhelm me or have me discouraged as an opportunity to grow closer to my Savior. To give Him the glory and praise He deserves, whatever the circumstances. My Honey recently reminded me of something. He said

“It is each moment we are to value. They’re what make up life. Growing, now that’s the hard part because it takes time. Little by little.” 

Yesterday’s sermon went along perfectly with this thought. 

The sermon’s main text was Psalms 43. 

Verse five says,

“Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.”

“…Who is the health of my countenance…”

This literally means the lifter of your face. Ultimately, I need the Lord’s touch to comfort my soul. But He is always faithful to His promises and obeying that which He has commanded is how I actively show gratitude. 

I will always deal with adversity, but all authority and power belongs to God. 

I must constantly remind myself of that power and His perfect plan. This is my duty. 

The Lord will reveal to me my short comings. True victory doesn’t come when the trial is removed, but when I realize the Lord is center of my purpose and joy no matter the circumstances. 

// It’s a difficult feat to rule my mind and spirit. But with God’s grace, there is hope, and through active obedience we show love, which is my greatest plea. 

Just a minor epiphany. 

Good day to you.

P.S. Curly took that picture of my moon with the telescope he bought me for my birthday and his iPhone. 🙂

Love 

a dreamer. 

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